They’re climbing in your bleachers, snatching your foul balls up. So hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your beer, because they’re taking over your ballpark.
I’m talking about fans. But not just any fans. I’m talking about douchebag fans. Idiot fans. Those sons of bitches who won’t shut the hell up. Whatever you want to call them.
At the risk of pissing off and offending some (or all) of you, I’m going to address this issue head-on with no discrepancy. But before I begin, I’m going to add a disclaimer: we all have our douchebag moments. We all do questionable, senseless things without realizing it. But sometimes, people are just outright stupid, embarrassing, and idiotic.
This year, my brother took me to Opening Day at The Jake (Progressive Field for those who want to remain politically correct) and needless to say, our eyes were opened to a society of people who were absolute embarrassments to mankind. And no, I’m not talking about the cast of Jersey Shore - but more on them later.
Cue the 30 year-old guy with his cap on backwards. Even worse, he’s brought his own glove to the game. I’m sorry, but you’re a 30 year-old man. You are not ten. You have no right to bring your glove to a major league ballgame, unless you’re actually on the team. But the douchebaggery doesn’t stop there. He’s also brought a pair of batting gloves. That’s right - sticking out of this guy’s back pocket were a pair of batting gloves. I’m sorry, but what purpose could those possibly serve? I’m not trying to venerate myself here, but I didn’t even wear batting gloves when I played softball, and in my personal opinion, real men don’t wear them anyway. So unless you’re planning on taking BP with the team, leave the batting gloves at home. And if you absolutely insist on keeping them, wear them during one of your co-ed slowpitch games (but don’t be surprised if people make fun of you there too.)
Next, we’ll cue the pair of babbling women (or “grenades” as my brother called them) behind us. I’ll give these ladies a tiny bit of credit. They had a decent understanding of the game of baseball. Notice I said understanding, not intellect. Now I’m not saying one must be an expert to attend a ballgame. I go to museums and have no idea what I’m looking at, yet enjoy myself nonetheless, but if you’re going to open your mouth, please know what you’re talking about. Since we were sitting just feet from third base, we had a good view of Jack Hannahan. For those of you who didn’t watch, Jack Hannahan’s defense was a little questionable that day. There were some plays that should have been made and some throws that could have been cleaner, but it wasn’t a complete disaster - and Hannahan’s bat sure as hell made up for it. That being said, one of them women behind us declared that Hannahan absolutely, entirely sucked. C’mon now. It’s the first game of the year. I’m a pretty harsh critic, but even I gave the guy a break. Anyway, as the game progressed, it was a constant bitch-fest about how terrible Jack Hannahan is - and the woman had never even heard of him until then.
I’d also like to use these women as an example as the token potty-mouths. I won’t play the martyr here, considering my own mouth puts sailors to shame, but there is a time and a place for obscenity, and sitting at a baseball game with small children nearby is not one of them. If there are no children and no nuns nearby, I can understand a couple of slip-ups, but otherwise, there is no need to drop the F-bomb every three minutes.
From here, I’m going to address the effects of alcohol. Beer and ballparks go hand-in-hand and there is nothing wrong with tipping back a few while you take in the game. But is it really necessary to get completely hammered? If I’m paying $150 to go to the ballgame, I’m going to watch the ballgame.
Cue the drunk girl a couple rows in front of us. Not only did she look like JWoww, but she found it necessary to vie for the attention of everyone around her, instead of watching the game. Thank God no foul balls came her way.
Speaking of failure to watch the game, cue the pair of fangirls snapping countless pictures of themselves. Now there’s nothing wrong with taking a picture or two at the ballgame, but when your camera is more worn out than the starting pitcher, you’ve gone too far. You’re at a baseball game, not an episode of America’s Next Top Model.
Hecklers are also a frequent result of too much alcohol consumption; though sometimes, they’re merely just assholes. Either way, there is a fine line between heckling and being outright obnoxious. For instance, I went to an Indians/Red Sox game a few weeks ago and sat just beyond third base. Apparently, one of the nearby fans noticed Red Sox third base coach Tim Bogar. Cue all of the “booger” calls. I’ll admit, my friend and I let out a few chuckles at first, but after about the twentieth time, it got old. To make matters worse, other intoxicated fans jumped on the bandwagon and by the seventh inning stretch, they’d formed an anti-Bogar alliance. It’s funny the first time, but hearing it on repeat for an entire ballgame? Just plain obnoxious.
Finally, I’m going to bring up an issue that I’m willing to admit I’ve been guilty of: the cell phone. Nothing peeves me more than when I’m watching a game on TV and I spot someone in the background behind home plate with their eyes glued to their phone. However, I’m willing to admit that I check my phone far too much, even at a ballgame. It’s hard to ignore texts from the cute guy I’ve been talking to, and now that Twitter has permeated its way into my life, it’s hard not to mention the little things I notice throughout the game to my tweeps. That being said, if you’re Facebooking/Tweeting/texting/Angry Bird-ing throughout all nine innings, why did you even bother to show up? You paid good money to watch a ballgame, not your iPhone.
With hopes that I don’t sound too pretentious or self-righteous here, I merely wanted to discuss some of my ballpark pet peeves. When you go to a ballgame, no matter if it’s baseball, football, or your douchebag boyfriend’s slowpitch rec league game, please try to bear in mind that you are in public and that other people do not want to deal with your idiotic antics. Have some respect and try to act like a civilized member of society (even if you really aren’t.)
